Surgery

I am at the Cancer Centre waiting to see my oncologist and she is 45 minutes behind schedule. I don't know why I kill myself to get to these appointments on time anymore because it seems like she is never on time.
At least this gives me time to finally write down my experience with my surgery. Deciding to get the mastectomy was extremely difficult and it was a decision that I was desperately trying to avoid. But once I realised that it was the only choice, I knew I was making the right decision and all of a sudden I was very calm and not nervous or devastated. I was extremely busy the few days before the surgery. I thought that I would be too tired or sore to do anything.
Kevin drove me to the General Hospital Critical Care wing really early on Nov. 27. We had to be there at 6:30 in the morning. I checked in and got changed into my gown and booties. Then Kevin and I met with a nurse who told me that my surgery was at 8:00. This surprised me because I was told that it would take all morning to prep me for surgery. I was happy that the surgery was so early because it meant less waiting.I kissed Kevin goodbye and climbed into a bed. They wheeled me into the corridor outside my operating room (room #4). This is where I began to get nervous. I was scared of the anesthesia and worried that I wouldn't wake up. I started to bawl and thought of Grace. The anesthesiologist came and spoke to me and then my surgeon came and signed my right breast (this is to ensure that they remove the correct breast). The nurse then wheeled me into the operating room and preped me.
This is what I remember:
I was moved from my bed to the operating table. The anesthesiologist inserted my I.V. while the nurse introduced me to the team and gave me an oxigen mask. She then put sticky sensors on my body to monitor my vitals. The anesthesiologist injected a drug into my I.V. and told me it was to make me relax. He then said that he would tell me before he gave me the drug that would knock me out. I was pleased with this because I planned to feel myself up one more time. THAT'S ALL I REMEMBER!! He may have warned me and I may have felt myself up but I don't have any memory of it. The next thing I remember is waking up and the nurse telling me I did great while she wheeled me out of the O.R. I thought that I would be in a lot of pain and be upset after my surgery. I also thought that I would feel "different" but in reality I felt little pain and I was the still the same person. Sure I was less one breast but now I am considered CANCER FREE! I remember smiling when I realised this.
I was brought to a large critical care room where I was monitored for about an hour. My temperature was low, so they put a plastic blanket over me and set up a heater to blow under it. Once my temperature was back up I was moved to another room monitoring room. I was here for another couple of hours. The nurses wrapped a tension bandage around my chest and helped me get dressed. They showed me the exercises that I have to do to get my right arm's mobility back to what it was before surgery. I remember a nurse asking me if my husband was good during all of this drama. I started bawling again and tried to tell the nurse between sobs that Kevin was the BEST HUSBAND and that he loved me so much (I don't think I thank him enough for all his absolutely amazing support).
The part where I left this area and was reunited with Kevin is all a little fuzzy. I do remember going home and being reunited with Grace who, a few hours before, I was worried I would never see again.
Oh, my patient designated nurse just walked by and said that I am next. She also said that the pathology from my tissue is back. Ahhhh! I'm suddenly very nervous. I better run. Next, I'll write about my experience once I got home and when I finally had my bandages removed 5 days later.

My Surgery is tomorrow

I know that this is very last minute to announce my surgery but nothing was set in stone until yesterday. I have decided to go forward and have the mastectomy with a sentinel node procedure. This KILLED me to have to make this decision but I know that it is the right one and once it had finally been made I felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. Because I have multiple (two) malignant tumours in my breast and because I am HER2+ the best chances to avoid a local recurrence is to have the mastectomy. The odds of recurrence after my mastectomy are around 2-5% in my lifetime whereas the odds with the lumpectomy are 2% per year. I plan to live into my 90's, so 60 years from now my odds of recurrence would be 120% with the lumpectomy.
I will be discharged the same day and I will feel pretty out of it for days due to the pain killers. I will be in some pain for a long time (it could be as long as a year) and I won't be able to pick up Grace for about 6 weeks. I'm looking for volunteers to help me take care of Grace, so please contact me if you are willing.
In the new year I will start my radiation treatment which is daily and will last 5 weeks. Then I will have to wait at least a year before I can think about reconstruction. I will probably remove my other breast down the road once I know that I won't have any more kids and then have that breast reconstructed too so that I can be symmetrical again. The good news is that I will have the perkiest boobies no matter how old I get. The bad news is I won't have any sensation in them.
I'm a little scared about the surgery and how much pain I'm going to be in afterwards and how my life will be on hold until I have recovered. I'm worried I won't be able to find enough volunteers to take care of Grace and I know I won't be able to take care of her by myself.
I'm sad that it has had to come to this and I'm sure I will be devastated but I have been too busy stocking up the fridge, doing chores and preparing for tomorrow to really be that upset or let the reality of it sink in. I know that I will feel like a freak show when I have to look at myself in the mirror but my beautiful husband has been nothing but the best. He says that he could care less about what I will look like and (even if he's lying) he's doing a good job at making me feel a little less ugly.
I've got to go now. I have laundry to fold and a weeks worth of meals to make.
See you on the other side.
LOVE!!!!!
Daiva

MRI results aren't that good

So the results are back and they aren't what either the surgeon or I was hoping for. Not only is the tumour the same size as it was before I started chemotherapy but also there are two new masses. My surgeon thinks that my tumour was actually bigger than they thought before (because we could feel the mass shrink during chemo) and a biopsy on the new mass is scheduled for this Wednesday.My surgery may be pushed back while we wait for the results of the biopsy. If the results aren't good then I will most likely require a mastectomy.
I'd like to send out my special thoughts to my friend Laura, who just had a double mastectomy the other day. I love you and I hope you are doing well.

Eight Chemo Treatments Behind Me

Now that the side effects are wearing off from my eighth chemotherapy treatment I feel like I can finally say that I'm done. It's hard to believe that my first treatment was May 15th and now I am finally through it.
Tomorrow I have an MRI and my surgery is scheduled for Friday, November 13th. My surgeon is encouraged with how my tumour seems to have responded to the chemotherapy. We will know for sure after the MRI but he thinks that I will not need a mastectomy. Yay!
I found out that I will be considered "cancer free" once I have my surgery. Another yay!

This is a picture of me getting my chemotherapy drugs. I have ice mitts on my feet and hands to keep my circulation slow so that the drugs don't go to my fingers and toes. If it had then I could have lost my nails.

This is a picture of me ringing the Victory Bell in the Chemo Ward at the General Hospital.

Thanks Telus and Rethink Breast Cancer

I am writing this post from my NEW BLACKBERRY that was given to me by Telus and an organization called "Rethink Breast Cancer". The service will be covered for a year, free of charge, by Telus. This is through a program called "Technology + Treatment", who's aim is to provide BlackBerries to young women with breast cancer so that they can manage all their appointments and procedures. I've been lugging around a huge binder until now, so the phone comes as a great relief. I also will be able to post more and respond to everyone faster now!
Thank you Telus and Rethink Breast Cancer!

My hair is growing back

This is the first picture that I have posted of myself with no hair. Now that it is starting to grow I think that a part of me is going to miss my bald "egg". It has been really nice during the hot months and I love not having to dry my hair after the shower. I also haven't needed to shave very often (my leg hair seems to have continued to grow but VERY slowly).

I am excited to try new hairstyles that I have always been too chicken to try. I've ALWAYS had the same long hairstyle and now I am going to be able to experiment with short cuts. I also can't wait to see if my hair grows back in straight or curly (so far it looks staight) and if it will be brown or if I will have any new grey hairs.

Genentics test results are in....

...and my DNA is negative for the gene mutation that causes breast cancer!!!!!!!!!! I am so happy I could scream from from the rooftops! Wooooohooooooo!!!!!
I was tested for the mutation for two reasons. The first being that if I were positive for the mutation then the surgeons would recommend a double mastectomy and the removal of my ovaries to help minimize my risk of a recurrence of cancer. The second reason would be to determine whether the other women in my family would carry the mutation and therefore be at a higher risk of getting cancer too. I was terrified that the results were going to come back positive and then I would have to worry about Grace being positive too (she would have had a 50% chance that I passed on the mutation). I am so relieved now that I know that I haven't passed on a "Cancer Gene" to Grace and that hopefully, with the right lifestyle, she will never have to go through this. That's the only thing that really matters to me.

On another note, I breezed through the side effects of my last treatment. I had a few really rough days but they weren't as severe as the treatment before. Only two more chemo treatments. Wow! I can't believe how close I am getting to the end of these treatments. Next month I have an MRI to find out how well the chemo did at destroying my tumour. I can no longer feel a lump but the MRI will tell us what really is going on and then my surgeon will be able to tell me what kind of surgery to prepare for.

It's been a really good day. I'm feeling really good.

LOVE FROM ME TO YOU WHERE EVER YOU ARE. XO.

Taxotere 2

Sixth chemo treatment down and only 2 more to go. I got quite a few people contacting me very concerned after my last post and I'm sorry if I got people worked up. The Taxotere is definitely different from my earlier treatments with some positives (no nausea and my hair is already starting to sprout again) and some negatives (taste buds are messed up, my tongue feels like dry leather, sore bones, nails are sensitive, fatigue, eyebrows and lashes are falling out). But most of the negatives start about 4 days after my chemo treatment and last less then a week and then I am back to almost 100% again. So all is good.

I now only take the Percocet at night after Grace has gone to bed for only about 3 nights and then the bone pain is mild enough to take Tylenol instead. I love the Percocet because it feels like I've had a few glasses of wine and then I have a GREAT night's sleep. I could see how people can get addicted to it :)

Grace started walking in the last few weeks and she's been a HOOT! I love her so much and she knows how to keep me "over the moon happy". She rubs and kisses my peach fuzz head and when I wear my wig she says "hat". I've put my wig on her a couple of times and it's hilarious!!!!!!! I promise to post a picture of that soon.

Now I have some really bad news that has truly floored me. A very loved friend of mine has just been diagnosed with cancer. This is certainly not something that I wanted us to have in common. She is around my age and a wonderful woman. She has always been willing to help me out during my treatments and now I am so sorry that she is going to have to go through this too but I know that she will get through it with flying colours. I don't know why, but there are so many cases of young woman getting breast cancer lately. There's got to be something up with that. Girl, you know who you are, and I love you. My thoughts are with you and I hope I can be there for you as well as you have been there for me.

Taxotere one

On August 7th I had my first Taxotere chemo treatment. The treatment is slightly different than my first four treatments because I have to wear big ice mitts on my hands and feet. Taxotere can cause your fingernails to become brittle and sometimes fall off, so the idea is if your hands and feet are iced during the drip than the blood won't circulate to your fingers and toes as much. My favourite past time during the early treatments was doing Sudoku puzzles but the big funny mitts now make that impossible. I think I'm going to bring my DVD player next time.
The following day I had a nurse come and give me my Neulasta injection. Three thousand dollars was injected into my arm and the side effect I am lucky enough to enjoy from it it BONE PAIN. Not flowers, rainbows or Lucy in the sky with diamonds... but BONE PAIN!
The first few days after my treatment were fine. I was on a steroid to help ease me into the fatigue until Tuesday. On Wednesday I was no longer on the steroid so I was hit with exhaustion. Not only that, but the bone pain was so strong I thought that I would take one of the pain killers that I had been prescribed - Percocet! An hour after taking the percocet I was changing Grace's diaper and started to pass out. I knew I was weak so I put my body over Grace so she wouldn't roll off the change table...then I passed out. It was very scary! I woke up dripping in sweat and exhausted. I finished changing Grace and then plunked her in front of the TV in my room. She watched Sesame Street and I fell unconcious. I now know not to take percocet during the day when alone with Grace.

The flu

The end of July and the beginning of August was pretty crazy for me. Grace got the flu which means that of course I soon was really sick too. I was fine for a few days until I got a fever. If you get a fever when you are in the middle of chemo treatments then you have to contact your doctor IMMEDIATELY. It was after business hours so I had to go to the emergency room. When I arrived at the ER the nurse told me (even though I informed her I was a chemo patient) that I would have to wait about 4 hours in the waiting room with all the other sick people so I opted to go home and sleep in my own bed and went to the Cancer Centre the next morning. I had to get fluids through I.V. and loads of blood work. My first blood results were low and I was told that if the second results were as low then I would be admitted to the hospital for 5 days. I immediately thought of Grace and not being able to see her, then I started to cry. Then I was told my hemoglobin levels were low and that would mean I would need a blood transfusion -WHAT!!!??? All this for a flu? Well, after a few more hours of waiting for 2nd blood results and some hospital food I was finally told that I could go home with an antibiotic. My hemoglobin's were actually fine, my white blood cell count was low but okay. YAY!

Army of Women

I finally joined the "Army of Women" today (www.armyofwomen.org). Their goal is to have more than a million women join their group so that they can get information on breast cancer studies and be available for research. I urge all you ladies out there to join.

Half Way

So, I've finished my fourth chemo treatment. There were a few hiccups this time involving low levels in my blood work that is always taken the day before my treatment. But, I had more blood drawn the morning of my chemo treatment and the levels had come up enough for me to go ahead with the chemo.

This was the first treatment where the nurse had to insert the "gripper" (needle with tubes) into my port. I used Emla Cream a few hours before to freeze the area so it wouldn't hurt so much but it still felt like she was jamming a pin into my chest. It didn't actually hurt any more than a regular needle but the nurse has to use a lot of force to press the gripper into the port and that is a little unusual.

I'm not really thrilled about being halfway through my treatments because I know that this means that I will be starting the Taxotere in less than 3 weeks. I've heard horror stories about my taste buds changing so much that food won't be satisfying, the fatigue will be WAY WORSE and my eyebrows and lashes (which I have not lost yet) will finally fall out. I've heard about all these terrible possible side effect but the nurse on Friday said that some patients find the Taxotere easier. We will see.

I will also start taking the Herceptin which I will continue to take for 18 treatments (I've calculated that I will be finished the Herceptin treatments next August). I will be getting another echo cardiogram this week to make sure that my heart is strong enough to handle it.

Thank you to all of you who have fed my family, watched Grace for me and sent me your messages and well wishes. I couldn't get through this with out your support. I love you all.

Financial Burdens

As some of you know, I was denied employment insurance for my illness because of some misunderstandings when I was coming off my parental E.I. I disagreed with the decision and filed an appeal. Today I got a phone call from a Service Canada employee saying that they reconsidered my claim and it was finally APPROVED!!!! Yay! This is a big relief and I big load off my mind. I will have to wait a few more weeks for a payment but at least I know it is coming.

I have been getting an injection in my stomach every 28 days to shut down my ovaries so they won't release eggs during my chemo treatments. This has caused my body to go into temporary menopause with all the exspected side effects. I don't get a period and I get many hot flashes a day. It gets uncomfortable when I am wearing my wig on a warm day. But I'm doing this in hopes of preserving my fertility, so I just think of how this isn't nearly as uncomfortable as the future pregnancy and childbirth that I hope to be able to experience in a few years. By the way, this injection would cost $420 a treatment (x8 treatments = $3360) if it weren't for the Ontario Drug plan. My personal cost: $2 per treatment.

Another expensive drug that I am going to require is Neulasta. I will need to get 1 dose of Neulasta after each of my last 4 chemo treatments. Neulasta helps my bone marrow produce more white blood cells which will then help protect my body from infections. Each dose of Neulasta costs $3000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I need 4. That's a total of $12,000!!!!!!! Thank God Kevin has medical insurance which will cover 80% of the cost. I have been approved for a subsidy that will cover the other 20%.

I've never been more appreciative of our health care system here in Canada. If Kevin and I lived somewhere without universal health care then we would be completely wiped out financially. Things are very difficult still...but not nearly as bad as they could have been.

That's it for now. Just one last big THANK YOU to my wonderful husband who has been fantastic. He has taken on so much responsibility as well as all of the financial burden and I don't tell him enough how much I love him and appreciate everything he does for his family. I love you Kevin!

3rd Chemo....DONE!

So today was my third chemo treatment. I noticed that I recognized a lot of the other people in the ward from my past two treatments. I found out that the lady I talked to last time found her missing dog and that another lady, that I talked to and smiled at during my first treatment, was named Julia. I also met a woman, Lisa, who was there for her first treatment. Although it is awful to find out you have cancer, it is very nice meeting men and women who are going through the same thing and therefore relate to them. For example, I walked by a woman outside the hospital who had a bald head and a bandage on her chest (from her port insertion), I had a hat on for a change (no wig) and a bandage on my chest from my port insertion last Friday (which went REALLY smoothly by the way...it was like being at the spa compared to the P.I.C.C. insertion). Anyway, back to my story, all I did was tap my chest where my bandage is when we walked by each other and we gave each other HUGE smiles. We are part of the same club or SISTERHOOD if you will.
Having cancer has definitely changed my outlook on EVERYTHING in my life for mostly the better; everyone I meet in the cancer centre (nurses, volunteers, patients...) have also been the most amazing, warm, caring and friendly people. I see way more smiles than tears in the ward.
The ward also has a bell hanging from the wall by the exit. I think it's called the VICTORY bell, or something like that. You ring it after your last chemo treatment. A man got to ring the bell today and everyone clapped and cheered for him. It was really nice to see and I can't wait until I get my turn.
The other thing I can't wait for is the RELAY FOR LIFE. I don't know if I will get to do it next year or the year after that, but I can't wait for when I can walk the "survivor" lap with my mother...I cry happy tears just thinking about how awesome that will be and how proud I will be of my victory with this disease.
I'll write soon. I'm sorry that I have been so bad at writing lately.

100%

I'm feeling GREAT! Everyone is asking me how I am feeling and probably expecting me to be under the weather but it's just the opposite. I'm happy, I'm felling fantastic and everything is wonderful. Grace is the funniest little thing and keeps me laughing. She learned to blow kisses and gives me kisses on the top of my bald head. She learned to say "fishy" the other day and says it all the time.

We just got some beautiful photos back from Tiana Kluchert who volunteered to do a photo shoot with me and Gracie just before my hair began to fall out. I'm very happy with them and urge any one who is interested to contact her at http://www.littlepixels.ca/.

Chemo session 2 complete. P.I.C.C. line gone.

So I've had my second chemo treatment and now I'm home waiting to see how sick I'm going to get. My mom came with me to keep me company and we had to wait a long time with just a saline hook up because it took forever for the pharmacy to bring the nurse my chemo drugs. We met some nice ladies. One who is finished all her chemo treatments (her hair is probably about 3 inches long now)...she was fantastic. Then I met another nice woman who was lying next to me in the chemo ward. She was worried because she lost her dog today right before her chemo appointment so she had to leave while her neighbors looked for him. I hope they found him. My chemo buddy, Colleen, was also there today. She gave me some great chemo hats for sleeping in and also some bandannas. Mom also found some pretty scarves in the donation bin and they will be great on a hot summer day.

Mom came back home with me and we relieved my sister from Grace watching duty so she could go home and walk her dog. Mom went and picked up Thai food for me. We got my favourite curry dish plus some pad Thai. The curry seemed a little hot for my sensitive tummy but the pad thai was perfect. Mmmmmmm.

I got a letter today from Service Canada stating that I was denied my 15 week sick E.I. claim because I already got 50 weeks of Parental Leave. This seems discriminatory because if a father had been the one who got sick rather than a mother then he would have qualified for sick leave. The good news is when I called the Service Canada help line this afternoon a very helpful man, Rohan, spent a lot of time studying my file and told me that I could appeal if I have to but he doesn't think that will be necessary. There seems to be something in the computer that says my file is still active and the letter I received might be a mistake. Rohan also said that you will always getting $$$ that you are entitled to and that if you aren't entitled to the money it doesn't matter how hard I try....He said I am entitled to the leave....I hope Rohan is right. In the mean time, I have to fill out the forms for disabbility (O.D.S.P). There are a lot of forms and I need to get doctors to fill out forms too. Once I apply for O.D.S.P. it will take around 4 months to activate the payments. So, I really need the sick leave to cover me until O.D.S.P. comes in.

In other news, my memory is getting REALLY bad. Please don't hold it against me if I don't call you when I'm supposed to or I forget a conversation that we had. The memory loss is WAY worse with chemo than it was with pregnancy or the sleep deprivation from taking care of an infant. My personal nurse says that she thinks that cancer patients get "chemo brain" as a coping mechanism. Whatever the case, I am very concerned about how dumb I am getting.

Itchy Scalp

So my head is super itchy. My little one inch long hairs are falling out in little clumps and I have to wear a scarf on my head when I go to bed to try to avoid waking up with hair all over my pillow. My scalp hurts a little - it kind of feels like when you take your hair down after having it up in a pony tail all day but it doesn't go away - at least not until my hair has finished falling out.

I went to CHEO today for genetics testing. I had to get my blood drawn in the CHEO blood lab and it was so sad to see all the little kids coming out crying after their blood work. There were a few brave little guys that were very proud of themselves for not crying...very cute. There was also a little girl, almost two years old, that reminded me so much of Grace...and then I found out her name was Grace too. She cried when it was her turn. Poor thing.

This afternoon I had to go to the General Hospital to get more blood drawn. I will have to do this the day before every chemo treatment to make sure that my white blood cell count isn't too low. It was the first time I actually watched as my blood was taken because the nurse was able to draw it directly from my P.I.C.C. line (I don't usually watch because I don't like to see the needle in my arm).

Grace came with me to the General hospital and was blowing kisses to the nurses, volunteers and the other patients in the chemo ward waiting room. She learned to do this the other night and now can't get enough of it. It was a riot. Everyone was laughing which just encouraged her to keep going. She's the light of my life.

Tomorrow is chemo. I hope it goes as well as last time, if not better. My personal nurse says there is no reason to expect it to be any worse than last time for the next 3 sessions. I'm going to picture the chemo drugs shrinking and disolving my tumor until it is nothing.

LOVE! Daiva :)

HER-2 Possitive

I had an appointment with my oncologist today - or I was supposed to, she was out of town so another doctor was filling in who wasn't even an oncologist. The appointment was uneventful until I asked if the results came back concerning my tumor's receptors (a test to see if the tumor reacts to proteins or hormones). I'm her-2 positive. The doctor who told me this news couldn't really answer any questions...she was a family doctor. I've done some reading up on this and I think that this means (in VERY simple terms) that my tumor over expresses a protein that helps the tumor cells grow and multiply. This means that my tumor is more aggressive than someone who isn't her-2. In the past this would mean that my chances of having cancer that would spread or reoccur were high, but now they have drugs and treatments which can bring my odds back down to (and perhaps below) those who are her-2 negative. The bummer is that I will be on a drug called Herceptin that will be given via IV every 3 weeks at the Chemo Ward for 18 months!!!!!! The first Herceptin treatment would start along with my 7th chemo treatment (sometime in September)....18 months from then would be March, 2010...that is when I would be finished all my treatments.

Because I will need a line into my veins for a long time I will be getting rid of my P.I.C.C. line and getting a Port line instead. A Port is a disc inserted beneath my skin around my left collar bone with a line running from the disc through my vein towards my heart. Then, when I need a chemo or Herceptin treatment the nurse locates the disc and pops the IV line through it. I will be able to swim and pick Grace up again with my left arm but I will have a 3 inch scar once the disc is removed. It will rub against my seat belt and it will bother me when I sleep on my stomach. The disc has to be surgically inserted and it looks like my procedure will happen the week of June 23rd. If that's the case then I will be able to get this darn P.I.C.C. taken out soon after this next chemo treatment.

In other news, I am having a terrible reaction to the dressing over my P.I.C.C. I've got a red bumpy rash that is so itchy that it drives me crazy. The nurse is switching my dressing over to a new one that has less reaction but also less adhesion. Good thing this won't be a concern for long.

Two big events

First Big Event

On Friday morning I went to the Women's Breast Health Centre to have a clip insertion. This means that, with the help of ultrasound, the Radiologist inserted a clip (a stainless steel object about the size of a grain of sand) into the center of my tumor. The reason they do this is because if all goes well the chemo will completely dissolve my tumor and then the surgeon will use the clip to know the exact location of the tissue he needs to remove.

It did hurt. I found out afterwards from the nurse (she says they never tell patients this before their diagnosis) that it is very difficult to freeze malignant tumors. Now that I know this I understand why I felt some pain during my original biopsy.

I also had the Radiologist use the ultrasound to examine my lyph nodes for a second time. There is some confusion as to whether my nodes are inflamed or not (the original u/s says no and the MRI says that 2 are bigger than they should be...but I had a flu just before the MRI that could explain that). The new u/s showed that my lyph nodes look just fine. This is really good news because if the cancer spreads to any nodes then that could mean the removal of quite a few of them which can permanently effect my arm movement and cause lyphodema.



Second Big Event

My hair started falling out Friday evening. When I would run my fingers through my hair I would have around 20 hairs in my fingers. Grace would tug at my hair and she would pull out a hand full. So, Saturday morning I made an appointment at Carolyn's Salon (a spa on Merivale Road which specializes in various hair loss issues and the place where I bought my wig). Grace and my mother came with me for emotional support and watched as I had my hair chopped off and then got a buzz cut. I cried a little...I knew I would. The hair stylist, Michelle, was fantastic and very understanding. I donated my hair to Angel Hair which will make a wig from my locks and donate it to a child at CHEO whose parents can't afford to buy a wig. The picture to the right was taken after I stopped crying. My hair was thick and long enough that they will be able to make a complete wig with my hair alone.
How does it feel? GREAT!!!! My head is so much lighter and cooler. I love the feeling of my brush cut (although all the hair will fall out in a couple of days). When I take a shower or lie down on my pillow my hair isn't getting in the way. I've already started to steal Kevin's baseball hats.

My Fabulous New Hair

Yesterday I went with my friend Lisa to pick out my new wig. I settled on a synthetic modern bob cut in a slightly darker brown than my natural colour.

A synthetic wig means that I can't stand too close to BBQs or ovens or else the fibres will melt, but it also means that I will NEVER have to style it as it will always dry back into its original shape after I wash it.....YAY! Don't ask me how much it was.

Why me?

When I first was told my diagnosis (a month ago tomorrow) I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. When I would see pregnant women or women with infants I would wonder why my perfect life was interrupted, why not someone else's? I don't have thoughts like that anymore but instead I notice small children in wheelchairs and think "why NOT me?" If these little kids can deal with an entire life in a wheelchair dealing with whatever side effects come along with the disease that put them in their chairs in the first place, then I'll deal too. And I'll rejoice that Grace is healthy while doing it.
A big thank you to Robyn, Reese, Carmen, Rosie and Harinder for all your help today.

No weird side effects to report

I'm feeling fine! Sometimes I get a little tired, so I have a nap. The biggest discomforts have been that I have been engorged due to weening Grace and my arm where I have the p.i.c.c. line hurts.
We went to the Experimental Farm today for the long weekend festivities. We watched some sheepdog herding and saw some sheep get sheared. Grace loved it! So did I.

Chemo was uneventful

If you have to have a chemo administering experience, which I hope you never do, then mine was quite nice. I began to cry at one point while the nurse was talking to me and she started comforting me, but she didn't realize I was crying in the first place because she WAS SO NICE. It reminded me of how many absolutely amazing people I have for my support system. I LOVE YOU ALL!
When Kevin and I showed up at the Cancer Centre and checked in I got to rummage through a bin of chemo hats made by volunteers. I picked a red one and a black one with ladies wearing bright pink dresses. Then Kevin and I were called into the Chemo Room where my nurse, Sue, waited for me. The Chemo Room is HUGE. There are beds and lounge chairs for probably at least 50 patients and everyone seemed to smile at us as we walked by to our place (#10) which was by a big picture window. I asked Sue if I could go to the bathroom first and she pointed me in the right direction. While walking to the bathroom I ran into my new friend Colleen who was getting her treatment too. When she finished up she came back to my seat and got to meet Kevin and tell us a little more about her family and her experiences. Her next treatment will be on the same day and time as mine, so I'll see if I can request a spot close to her next time.
First thing I got was 3 anti-nausea pills and then was taught how to manage and control my nausea symptoms instead of allowing them to control me. Sue started to get ready to inject my drugs when I showed her my p.i.c.c. line. This excited her and she said that I would love having the p.i.c.c. vs. the injections (I hope so because I HATED getting the p.i.c.c. line inserted). Sue then ran the I.V. to my p.i.c.c. and attached the first drug which is called Doxorubicin or Adriamycin (A.K.A. "The Red Devil"). It took 15 minutes for this drug to run though the I.V. and then they attached the 2nd drug called Cyclophosphamide (pronounced sigh-clo-fos-fa-mide) and set it to run into my body for 30 minutes. After a few minutes of this drug I felt a little light headed and woozy. When I mentioned my very mild discomfort to Sue she told me that next time I should make sure that I tell the nurse to set the Cyclophosphamide on a 45 minute timer instead of the usual 30 minutes and that should fix the woozy headache problem. Then we were done. The whole procedure took 90 minutes.
On the way home I realized that I had forgot to have Sue inject the prescription I had brought with me from home. I called my home care nursing service and someone was at my house within a few hours to give me the injection. The injection was in my stomach with a scary looking THICK needle that looked more like a nail. You know how doctors and nurses always say "this won't hurt"? My hunky nurse said "THIS WILL REALLY HURT!". Scary sh*t! But it didn't hurt at all, I guess I had prepared for worse (maybe I was still remembering how horrible my p.i.c.c. insertion was). The worse part about the injection was when my hunky nurse said "I'm going to get you a bandage - not because it's bleeding a lot- but because I can see down the hole" AHHHHHHHHH! :-) He was funny...and did I mention that he was hunky?
I didn't notice any symptoms until around 8:30 when I started feeling a little nauseous (1 out of 10 nauseous) so I took my anti-nausea meds and now it's 10:30 and I'm still feeling okay.
Thanks to Laura Murton for making some very delicious Moroccan Chicken...we gobbled it all up...mmmmmmmm...I need that recipe. Another big thank you to my Auntie Lisee who left her own kids and grand babies at home who were visiting for the long weekend to come and be with me this evening.
One more big thank you and props to my amazing little girl who went to bed fairly easily without any boobies. She's such a good little girl. I love her so much.
I'm going to go relax now...I need to watch last nights season finale of Grey's Anatomy and then I'm off to dreamland (hopefully as easily and peacefully as Grace).

Chemo Day

So, the chemo is starting today. Grace and I had a nice relaxing morning breastfeeding and playing. It was tough knowing that we will never have our boobie time ever again and I am really going to miss it a lot...I know Grace will too. I think that being forced to stop breastfeeding is as tough emotionally on me as knowing that I have to have chemo. It's very sad and I am sobbing right now as I write this. Very Sad.
Yesterday was a busy day. I had to spend most of the day at the General Hospital getting my p.i.c.c. line inserted (way more of a big deal that I had thought), getting an x-ray, getting blood work, going to a chemo information session and getting even more blood work done. After that I came home and spent a few minutes with Grace before running off and trying on more wigs.
Click on the link to see what a p.i.c.c. line is and how it's inserted: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peripherally_inserted_central_catheter
Thanks to Bianca and my sister Dana for coming over and watching Grace while I was running around.

Good Choice

Today I heard the story of another woman in Ottawa who is breastfeeding and was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. Her story is very similar to mine in that her surgeon was saying "chemo first" but her oncologist was recommending "surgery first". This woman asked for a 2nd opinion from a doctor located at Princess Margaret Hospital in Toronto. This doctor specializes in breast cancer in lactating women and told her that the best thing to do would be to have the chemo first which,in the end, is what she decided to do. This makes me feel a lot more comfortable with my decision to start chemo this week.
Less than two days until my first treatment and I am surprisingly calm. I am so thankful for everyone's support and love. I am a very lucky girl.

FRIDAY!

Okay, it's official. I will be starting chemo this Friday. I have to go to the hospital to get the chemo administered and then I get to go home and wait to see how bad I am going to feel. The oncologist says that the average time to feel crappy is about 5 days and then by the time I feel like myself again (in 21 days) it will be time for another treatment. I will have a total of 8 treatments which means that I should be done my chemo in October. Then I will have to start to prepare for the surgery.
On Thursday I will have to go to a Chemo Teaching session to learn about all the wonderful things that will (or could) happen. I will also have to have a pick line put in which means I will have these tubes running out of my arm until all my treatments are complete. The pick line is used to draw blood and to inject the chemo drugs without agitating my veins. If you don't get the pick line then after a few weeks of treatments your arm can really start to hurt. I guess I will figure out a way to cover up the tubes...it is going to be tank top and bathing suit season after all.
I want to thank my friend Laura Murton for coming with me and Grace to the hospital today. She kept Grace entertained while I talked to the doctor and it was nice to have someone there with me for support.
Also, a big thank you to Colleen M. for coming early so that we could finally meet in person. You look so great and I hope I look as good as you after chemo, radiation and surgery. After I have made it through the side effects of the first treatment we will have to get together for some tea.
Tomorrow I wrap up loose ends so that I don't have anything to worry about for a week.

WIGS

Today I went to a salon and tried on wigs. My sister came along to help me out with Grace while the woman at the salon showed me how to select the right kind of wig for me. I brought my camera and was hoping I could take some pictures and then have you help me choose one but I wasn't allowed to take any pictures.
I've narrowed it down to two bob doos. Both are very simular in colour to my natural hair and both cost around the same amount............$500! Good thing my husband has medical insurance through his work that will cover the cost.
When I go back I will try to sneak a couple of pictures because I could really use some help choosing the right doo.

Chemo first????

My surgeon wants me to do the chemo before the surgery. He says that I will have a better chance of not requiring a mastectomy if I go with the chemo first. The drawbacks are:
-I will have 8 chemo treatments instead of the 6 that would have been required if I had the surgery first. The extra 2 treatments put me at a slightly higher risk of not being able to concieve in the future. I will feel pretty crappy for about 5 days after each treatment.
-The oncologist won't have access to the pathology of the tumor which you get from the disection of the tumor once it is removed. Knowing the pathology of the tumor helps the oncologist cater the chemo drugs for the specific type of cancer.
-I won't be eligable for trial drugs which are only available if I were to have the surgery first.

On another note, I spoke on the phone with a nice woman who is my age. She went through this process a year ago and has just finished most of her treatment. I'm thankful to have her to turn to with some of the questions and fears that I have. Thanks so much.

Echo Cardiogram

My heart beat

So this morning I had an echo cardiogram at the General Hospital. This test is done to make sure that my heart is strong enough to endure the chemotherapy. It's an ultra sound of the heart. Everyone in the waiting room was at least 40 years older than me. When I was called in for my exam I had to change into a robe and lie down on a bed. The technician put three sticky probes to my chest and abdomen that were attached to wires. Then she put a paddle against my chest and we got to look at my heart. They will use the results from this test as a baseline against any future tests during or after the chemo. Still no word from my surgeon.

Heard from the oncologist - waiting to hear from the surgeon

So my oncologist, Dr. Song, called me today. She has spoken to my surgeon, Dr. Lorimer, and they have discussed my case. She says that he will call me soon to discuss surgery. So it looks like I will have the surgery first (most likely). I asked Dr. Song if having the surgery or chemo first increases my chances of complete recovery with fewer risks of reoccurances. She said that both choices have the same percentages but that if I have the chemo first then I won't be eligable for the clinical trials.
I told her that I was concerned that Dr. Lorimer has been saying that he thinks that I should have a mastectomy and he still hasn't explained why he thinks that a lumpectomy wouldn't work in my case. She said that she thinks a lumpectomy is still a possability but that I would have to realize that a second surgery to remove the breast may be necessary if they found something (I don't know what yet) in the tumor afterwards. I told her that I had no problem with a mastectomy if it is necessary and a lumpectomy increases my risks of reoccurance but that everyone keeps telling me that the risks are the same. I just don't see that we have got to the point where the amputation of a body part is the only choice.
...It's almost 6:00 and I haven't heard back from my surgeon....maybe tomorrow.

Genetic Testing

For all my family members: I will be getting genetic testing and so will my mom. I think this will involve a long interview and blood work. I got the impression that it takes a long time to get the results back but we will let you know what they are as soon as possible.
xoxox

Meeting with the Oncologist for the first time

Kevin and I went to the Ottawa Cancer Centre at the General Campus of the Ottawa Hospital today to meet my oncologist, Dr. Song. For those of you who are as ignorant as I was about what an oncologist is, she is the doctor who will be responsible for designing my chemotherapy treatment plan.
The abbreviated version of my visit goes like this: She thinks I should have my surgery before my chemotherapy. Once I have the surgery and the tumor is removed they will be able to examine it and get the pathology of the cancer, check for markers and inspect any removed lymph nodes to see if the cancer spread. Once Dr. Song has this pathology then she can design my chemo specifically to my particular case. If I were to have the chemo first the negatives would be that Dr. Song would have to guess which treatment to give me and I would have at least 2 extra chemo applications. The possitive aspects of the chemo first would be that the tumor would still be there and Dr. Song could monitor it's size and see how it react to the chemotherapy.
There was a lot of crying today. I will leave it up to the doctors to decide which treatment I should do first. The only thing that scares me about the chemo is the possible long term effects on my body (it can cause infertility and other forms of cancer like leukemia). I am not affraid of losing my hair...I'll just get really nice hats and a kick ass wig.
What really scares me the most right now is the possible mastectomy. I haven't heard a clear argument from any of my doctors why they think that this might be the way to go but the word "mastectomy" is getting thrown around a lot more than "lumpectomy". It will be harder to recover from a mastectomy and I would need procedures in the future for the reconstruction of a breast. If they tell me that my prognosis would be better with than without the mastectomy then I will be okay with that...but that is not what I am hearing so far, so I just don't get it.
I will blog again when I know more. Dr. Song said she would call me on Monday - I hope I will get some answers.
On the bright note: I ordered Grace's birthday cake today. Mmmmmm. I can't wait.

MRI Results

The results are in from my MRI. The tumor is 1.9 cm - not that big. Two lymph nodes are bigger than normal according to the MRI but the earlier ultra sound didn't see anything unusual and the u/s is usually more sensitive.
None of my questions have really been answered yet. I will have a chest x-ray next week and an abdominal u/s the following week. I will also be getting an echo (cardiac u/s) scheduled soon to make sure that my heart is stong enough for the treatment.

Finding a lump...

I first noticed a lump in my right breast while I was taking a shower in April 2008. I went to see my doctor immediately but because I was 8 months pregnant I couldn't get a mammogram, so my doctor gave me a requisition for an ultra sound. That ultra sound came back clear. Looking back I should have demanded for further tests (my mother had just been diagnosed with cancer) but everyone was reassuring me that I was "too young" to have breast cancer and the lump was probably just some benign thing related to the changes in my breasts due to the pregnancy.
The horrible thing is that I found my lump the day before my mother had the mammogram that found her tumor (around a year ago). My mother is now finished her treatment and I am finally just being diagnosed correctly.

Diagnosis

First of all I want to say that I am fine. I have some rough and scary moments where my mind wanders to the worst possible outcome but in my heart I know that my odds are very good and I will do everything I can to make sure that I'm around for a long time.
A week ago today I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I am 33 years old and the happy mother of an eleven month old daughter. This has been a hard week. Giving birth to my baby girl last year was the beginning of the most amazing and wonderful time of my life and I feel like the best experiences of my life have just been crashed into by the worst moments of my life.
So far, I don't know much about my cancer. I know that it is an invasive ductal carcinoma but I don't know yet what my treatment will be or what my prognosis is. The not knowing is the hardest part because people that know me will tell you that I am a planner, so I feel powerless right now.
I met with my surgeon, Dr. Lorimer, today for the first time and although he hasn't got the results back from my MRI he thinks that I will most likely have chemotherapy before my surgery to remove the tumor. I should hear back from Dr. Lorimer by Friday about what they saw on the MRI. I went into the meeting today thinking that I would get some answers but instead I ended up with more questions. I was disappointed that I still don't know much.
I will be having several tests done and I will be meeting with an oncologist to discuss treatment very soon. I will let you know when I know more.